THE BIGGEST FILMS OF 2016 (ACCORDING TO 1 STAR AMAZON REVIEWS)

2015 was brimming with blockbuster swag.

It was the year that saw blockbusters finally rise above their critics, with Pixar’s script mastery in Inside Out to George Miller’s action-art in Mad Max: Fury Roadtrouncing anyone who stood in their way. We saw, as is the norm nowadays, a ton of reboots, long-awaited sequels, and continuations of franchises. Lots of action, lots of tickets sold, and lots of business execs rubbing their hands together with glee.

But what do people really think?

I’ve trawled through Amazon to see once and for all the true colours of the biggest films released last year…

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD
This had a few good’uns… – ‘179’ 1 Star Reviews out of 1,102
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…your point being, mate? Only gone and used his full name too. Fuck off Tony. 8/24 found this helpful?? 8 poor lost souls more like.

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Or what I like to call ‘The Ballad of Wayne Thomas’. Beautiful, dramatic prose – “I couldn’t bear it no more and turned it off.” Maybe I should report abuse? Then Wayne has the audacity to capitalise ‘Me’ – it’s all me, me MEEEEE! (Also note the capitalisation of ‘Mad’ in the title. Wayne really is mad…)

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“Odious! Grotesque!… MINDLESS!” You can hear the panicked breathing and furious typing. ‘Uncle David’ is a major contender for ‘Amazon Paedo Username of the Year’, surely? A review teeming with dick punches and burns: a script like a homicidalsomnambulist (eurghhh big words!) or Charlize Theron acting like Clint Eastwood on Valium?? Sorry Uncle Dave, but I do tolerate Mad Max, and the scariest thing here is your threat to my future offspring. To steal a suitable quote: “Fuck off!”

INSIDE OUT
The loveable family film, who could possibly hate it? – 22 / 614
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Really? “It’s pretty irritating”?? He’s so aggravated he has to CAPS LOCK ‘ITALIAN’ TO CONVEY HIS POINT. WHY ARE THERE OTHER LANGUAGES THN ENGLSH??? THS FKS THE FLM UP COMPLTLY!!!! FKING ITALY. FUKNG ITALIANS.KSDJIKKDFIWA1!!1!

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God, I hope Joseph’s okay…

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Maybe you’re just shit at explaining things, Mrs. C. Baxter? With that many exclamation marks in a bracketed sentence no wonder the kid is ‘saddened’ – you’re just a shit-scary mum who shouts at defenceless Little Jimmy (or should that be Master J. Baxter?) behind closed doors.

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Not like that…

THE MARTIAN
Ridley Scott’s triumphant return to sci-fi glory… or failure, apparently. –4/49
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‘SIFI’? WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?? Cretin… Gee thanks for that story breakdown, I was lost when I was watching it.

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*Applauds* To the point – I love it. TJ Cooper deserves a knighthood.

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON
The wildly popular comic book adaptation is not as popular as you’d think. – 47/1150
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I’m guessing LargeMick’s excess flab wrote that last sentence of grammatical hell?

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Banter.

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Uh oh, looks like Old Man Horsley’s getting the onset of dementia (why the question mark? You don’t know whether you sold it??). The logic here is a feat to behold.

SPECTRE
Most were hatin’ on Daniel Craig or the lack of plot. ‘Bond is Back’ didn’t resound well with everyone. – 22/147
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The most God awful pun in history. It’s so bad it just looks like a spelling mistake. Perhaps James is going for a French twist here? I can imagine an infuriated Frenchman yelling ‘STINKRE!’ quite vividly.

ANT-MAN
The MARVEL machine rolls on, and people were NOT happy with that. –13/527
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“Not to be watched when eating”? WTF is wrong with you, Eugene – I can eat when I want, don’t tell me what to do! And what’s he getting at in that last sentence? Do old people have something against ants??

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Afteraspie was so exasperated they had to start with “Eughhh.” Then he launches into full attack mode and spits out “Even daredevil is better than this” – possibly the biggest burn since Stephen Hawking trolled John Oliver. Don’t even get me started with the title… ‘Stinkre’ was a bad enough aneurysm to handle. However, many thanks for bothering to press enter – now the text isn’t so small to read…

JURASSIC WORLD
The reboot/sequel thing that made lots’o’money but failed to impress Uncle Dave & co. – 94/1507
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Third degree burns. No coming back from this. When Dave Martin means business he fucking means it.

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I know this is a complaint about the DVD, but the level of pure rage on display is staggering: caps lock 101; more exclamation marks than letters; the emphasis on “SOOOOOOOOO”… it’s poetry. What I’m most impressed with is the fact they manage to spell everything correctly in what surely is a first for rage commentary. I also love how the writer has remained anonymous, like he/she fears Universal are going to hunt him down for such derogatory comments.

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Darren is a fucking idiot… IF YOU BUY A 3D DISC THEN WATCH IT IN FUCKING 3D.

STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS
The biggest film of the year was berated, naturally… – 43/257
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Woah man, sorry :/ wanna hug it out? The use of ‘too’ implies there were so many tears his eyes started to hurt. No shit mate, the original Star Wars films made more profit from toys than the movies… THE MORE YOU KNOW.

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I’ll be honest I really can’t understand what this anonymous twat is on about. And the hate at the end – how could you do this, Disney?? This guy hates you now! You should be ashamed.

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Aardvark had a whale of a time here. This is the definition of ‘saving the best till last’.

So there you have it.

The world is full of raging bastards – so embrace them and mock them to your hearts content.

Cheers Amazon, may 2016 bring ample blockbusters at your mercy!

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