POSH KIDS, TRAINS AND THE PANAMA PAPERS – Or, a review of The Railway Children by E. Nesbit

NAN’S BIRTHDAY WAS A COUPLE OF WEEKS BACK AND IT’S MUM’S BIRTHDAY SOON. TWO BIRDS, ONE STONE – A VISIT TO THE CINEMA WAS IN ORDER.

AFTER A LENGTHY MEAL AT SPOONS (HAM EGG‘N’CHIPS… COR IT WAS BLINDIN’, ESPECIALLY AFTER A FEW HYPOTHERMIA SPECIALS THE NIGHT BEFORE) WE MADE OUR WAY TO THE LOCAL CINEMA FOR ONE OF THEM LIVE THEATRE THINGS THEY DO EVERY NOW‘N’THEN.

I WAS GONNA HAVE A CHEEKY CHUNDER IN THE LOO, SET MY HEAD STRAIGHT’N’ALL, BUT I CAME THROUGH AFTER AN ICE CREAM AND A SHIT INSTEAD.

WE MADE OUR WAY TO OUR SEATS, SAT DOWN AND ENJOYED THE FEATURE… WELL I SAY ENJOYED, I THOUGHT IT WAS FUCKING AWFUL BUT MUM CRIED A LOT SO I THINK SHE LIKED IT.

THE PLAY IN PARTICULAR, LADIES AND GENTS, WAS OF THE RAILWAY CHILDREN.

IF YOU’RE NOT AU FAIT WITH THE STORY YOU NEEDN’T WORRY, IT AIN’T LIFE CHANGING.

IT FOLLOWS A DYSFUNCTIONAL, IGNORANT, UPPER CLASS FAMILY FROM LONDON MOVE UP TO YORKSHIRE BECAUSE THEIR DAD STANDS TRIAL FOR SOME UNKNOWN GOVERNMENT INCURSION.

BOOHOO.

I MEAN, JESUS H CHRIST, THE CHILDREN ARE ADAMENT THEY ARE ORDINARY, BUT THE ACTORS IN THE PLAY WE WATCHED COULDN’T FUCKING SAY ORDINARY AND MOUTHED SOME GOBSHITE LIKE ‘ORDIN-A-REE’.

THEY HAVE A ROOM FOR THEIR TOYS… THEIR FUCKING TOYS.
THEY COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING POOR DESPITE HAVING A MAID.
COME TO THINK OF IT, I THINK THEY HAD A DOZEN PEOPLE WORKING FOR THEM IN LONDON.
DOWNSIZING HURTS, DUNNIT? POOR BASTARDS.
THEN THEY GET ALL PSYCHOLOGICALLY TRAUMATISED WITH NO DADDY AROUND SO THEY WAVE AT THE TRAINS SO THEY CAN “SEND THEIR LOVE TO FATHER.”

DON’T WORRY LUV, HE’S GETTING NICKED FOR TAX EVASION IN PANAMA THANKS TO GRANDDADDY’S INVESTMENT COMPANY NAMED AFTER YE OLDE FAMILY ESTATE IN A COUNTRY HE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT.

ALAS, HERE I WAS, COOPED UP LIKE A BATTERY CHICKEN, AWAITING MY SOUL-CRUSHING DEATH BY THE AXE OF ARISTOCRACY I WAS ABOUT TO WITNESS, WHEN – AH – A REVELATION.
HAVEN’T WE SEEN THIS ALL BEFORE?

JUST TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT THE KIDS GET UP TO:
1) LAD STEALS COAL, GETS CAUGHT, YORKSHIREMAN BARRY LETS HIM OFF THE HOOK FOR BEING A POSH KID (HE EVEN SAYS “I EXPECT BETTER FROM YOU” – ARE WE DELVING INTO SATIRE? NESBIT YOU TRICKY GIT)
2) THE KIDS STOP A TRAIN FROM A FATAL CRASH, GET REWARDED, HAILED AS HEROES… MAY I REMIND YOU ALL THAT THEIR COUNTRY HOUSE HAS AMPLE LAND BESIDE SAID RAILWAY. DOES THIS COUNT AS PHILANTHROPY? A KNIGHTHOOD BECKONS.
3) ASK FOR MEDICINE FROM SOME RICH FELLA, HE PROVIDES WITHOUT HESITATION. WITH THE NHS IN TATTERS IT’S GOOD TO KNOW YOU’VE ALWAYS GOT A FRIEND.

IT EVEN GETS DUBIOUS WHEN THEY GET PRESENTS FOR YORKSHIREMAN BARRY’S BIRTHDAY AND FORCE THE VILLAGERS TO INVEST AND THRUST PRESENTS ON HIM LIKE HE’S SOME FUCKING HOMELESS CHARITY. POSSIBLE PYRAMID SCHEME? I WOULDN’T BE SURPRISED.

AND THEN HAS HE! HE HAS! DADDY RETURNS UNSCATHED AND BOBBIE RUNS INTO HIS ARMS.

AND SO IT GOES.

NOTHING CHANGES.
APART FROM THE FACT THEY LIVE IN YORKSHIRE NOW, GOD HELP ‘EM.

APPARENTLY E. NESBIT IS A FUCKING FORTUNE TELLER BECAUSE SHE HAS WRITTEN A MELODRAMA ABOUT THE CAMERON’S AND THE PANAMA PAPERS OVER A CENTURY BEFORE IT HAPPENED.

PERHAPS DODGY DAVE SHOULD SEND SAMANTHA & CO. UP TO LEEDS OR SOMETHING – KEEP TRUE TO THE ORIGINAL WHILST ALL THIS BLOWS OVER, LIKE IT ALWAYS DOES.

LESSON #1

THE PREVAILING THEME BETWEEN OUR PREMIER AND THE RAILWAY CHILDREN IS THAT
THEY’RE RICH C**TS AND THEY BENEFIT FROM BEING RICH.

THE RICH GET RICHER, AND THE POOR GET POORER.

 

AND THAT’S WHAT I LEARNED FROM THE RAILWAY CHILDREN.
BYE

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